Let's face it: Even the closest of siblings fight from time to time. Whether they're vying for your attention, expressing jealousy or testing their own social boundaries, most siblings swing back and forth between closeness and confrontation. And that can make family life stressful for everyone.
"Noah and Talia will be playing together nicely," says Cambridge, MA, mom Emily Bromley, "and then 30 seconds later, Noah shoves Talia, Talia grabs Noah's toys and runs away with them, and it gets pretty ugly."
"Living together is hard," acknowledges Adele Faber, co-author of the award-winning Siblings Without Rivalry. "We all have different temperaments and passions. But we have to learn to accept each others' feelings."
It's never too late to help your kids lay the groundwork for a healthy sibling relationship. Here are five tips to get them headed in the right direction.
• Acknowledge the complexity of your children's emotions. Dismissing their argument as silly will just make them more agitated. "It's about understanding what's most important to them," says Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois-Urbana, whose Fun With Sisters and Brothers program teaches parents and kids collaborative problem-solving skills. "Help them come up with a solution that meets everyone's essential needs. When parents do that, we see children engage in fewer conflicts."
• Get them talking. "We encourage them to name their frustrations," says Cherry Anderson, a Boulder, CO, mom of two. "A common refrain of Jasper's is, 'Mom, she's being Eliza-zilla again' when she knocks over something he's trying to build. It clears the air."
• Encourage cooperation rather than competition. "Instead of seeing who can put away their clothes faster," suggests Faber, "have them try to beat the clock rather than beat each other. Then they wind up helping each other to get the job done. If you have a winner, you also have a loser."
• Emphasize the good stuff. "Enjoy lots of fun time together as a family," says Faber. "Then, when they do fight, they'll have the groundwork of a positive relationship."
• Don't forget one-on-one time with you, too. "Make sure each child gets some occasions alone with each parent," says Faber.
Of course, there's something to be said for letting kids resolve a certain amount of light squabbling (of the "did not!/did too!" variety) on their own. If it starts to sound uncomfortable for either, though, it's time to step in. "But you shouldn't try to settle the dispute for them," says Kramer. "Rather coach them to settle it themselves."
Think of it as training for the outside world. "Siblings are a very safe relationship," says Kramer. "They are teaching each other, even when they fight. And no matter what, they know they'll still be there for each other in the morning."