Dearest Jeanne,
When I learned I was pregnant with you, Naomi was only four and a half months old. I had gone to the midwife’s office to start taking the pill. Before prescribing it, Gisela said, “OK, let’s just do a quick pregnancy test.” Five minutes later I learned I was going to have my second child.
What?!? How can I be pregnant? I have been using my diaphragm and I have a tiny baby already! I only had my period twice since Naomi was born, but you were in there. Oh, I was so sure I was going to have a boy. His name was going to be Elijah Malachai.
My pregnancy was good. I worked full time all the way through. I was only sick now and then for a week or so at a time. You grew and grew and grew! At 18 weeks, I had an ultrasound and told the technician, “You don’t have to tell me; I know it’s a boy.” He thought that was funny, but he kept his mouth shut. I wanted it to be a surprise, but the ultrasound took 45 minutes.
About 40 minutes into it, I change my mind and finally told him, “OK, tell me.” When he said you were a girl, I cried with happiness. I was never so happy to be wrong in my life! I didn’t know how excited I would be to know I was going to have two baby girls. A sister for my little one! I thought about the nice relationship Aunt Emily and I have, and I was so glad you would both have that one day.
It took a long time to adjust to the idea of having two babies so close together. I kept asking people who had done it to tell me about their experiences. I was looking for some positive side to what I imagined to be a very scary future. Mostly what I heard was “They’ll be good friends,” “They’ll entertain each other,” “The little one will learn so much from her older sister,” “You’ll get it all over with at once” and “It’ll be so much easier for you when they get past 3 and 4 years old.”
I don’t know if I really got used to the idea while I was pregnant. One day I cried to my midwife that I was scared of babies teaming up against me. She reassured me that I could handle it, gave me some ideas to lighten the load, and reminded me what a wonderful daddy and husband Tony has always been.
About three weeks before your due date (March 17, 2007), I started to feel some minor contractions one evening at home. Even though they were very light and not at all painful, I started timing them, because they were regular. They kept coming every few minutes for over an hour, so I called the midwife. She told me to come in, that I might be in labor.
Though I was pretty sure I wasn’t, I went in to Cambridge Hospital. The nurse checked me and found out I was not in labor, but I was about 3 cm dilated. They measured my blood pressure and found it high, and I was ordered to go home and sleep on my side and come back in the morning. I did that, and the next day my pressure was still high. That day they told me I had to stay on partial bed rest until I delivered. I had to stop working, stay home and lie on my left side as much as possible during the day.
Three weeks passed that way. I would wake up with Naomi, get her ready for the day, feed her breakfast and play with her until Daddy came home to get her and bring her to the babysitter, Odessa’s. When they left, I’d read, watch TV or a movie, take a nap, wake up and bathe, and watch some more TV until they came home again. It was very restful, not boring at all, and a much-needed break from my daily routine of working full time and caring for a 1-year-old and a home.
Your due date came and went. On March 18, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was at a farm, talking to the animals, and getting ready to ride a beautiful brown horse. There was no saddle, and I hopped up onto the horse’s back. The horse started to go fast, and I held on to her neck. She turned a corner, and I held on too tight. I saw the look in the horse’s eye telling me it was too tight. I realized I had to let go and trust that I wouldn’t fall off. I sat up a bit straighter, felt the movement of the horse under me and fell into her rhythm. Then before I knew it, the ride was over. I wished for a moment that it had been longer, but I was happy.
On March 19, the day after that dream, I went for a manicure and pedicure. While I was having my nails done, a woman told me that if I wanted the baby to come I should take a walk up a hill. On the way home from the nail salon, I walked past the apartment and straight up a hill. I walked as fast as my swollen feet would carry me. When Daddy came home that night, I told him what the woman had said about the hill. I said, “I did it, but it didn’t work.” He told me, “It’s not going to work right away!”
March 20, 3:55 a.m. I woke up with a strong contraction. The next contraction was at 4 a.m., then they were coming every 3 to 4 minutes. I grabbed the phone and called the midwife. Then I called Emily, Mom and my doula, Georgianna. The troops were gathering. I woke up Daddy and told him this was really it. I called a cab. At about 5 a.m. the cab arrived. I got in and told the driver, Mohammed, to step on it – Cambridge Hospital!
He said, “What, are you having a baby or something?” I said “Yes, I am. Please hurry.” A few minutes into the ride he could see I was deep in labor and heard my moans and cries “Oh God, Oh God.” He asked if I wanted him to put on the radio and I said no, but then thought it might help to sing. I began to sing the first song that came to mind:
By the rivers of Babylon, where we sat down
And there we wept, when we remembered Zion …
The singing was amazing. I could sing right through the contractions, it eased the pain, gave me a focus and sounded nice, too. The lyrics are holy and God was with us and we labored to open my body and let you out.
I had to stop singing to give the driver directions, and I felt your head very low down in my body, between my legs. I knew you were coming very soon. We got closer to the hospital and I called Emily to check on where she was. She said she was there already. I asked her to come down to the front door.
She and Georgianna were waiting there for me when I arrived at 5:30 a.m. at the door to the hospital. Mohammed helped me out of the cab. I gave him a $10 tip and squeezed his hand tight as a contraction caught me off guard as I was stepping out of the cab. He must have been very relieved to pass me off!
I tried to keep singing as the contractions came, one on top of the next, on my way up to the fifth floor. I was having a harder time getting the words out and the singing was not working as well since I was in transition. I was fully dilated when the midwife checked me upon arrival. Georgianna got right in my face and told me to “blow, blow, blow.” I remember her new hairdo; she’d had long brown hair and had recently changed it to a shorter style. I remember her and Em standing at the side of my bed telling me, “Blow.” I saw their hair flowing in my breeze.
Midwife Jill wanted to hear your heartbeat once before she let me push. I was having a strong urge to push and had to hold myself back while she got a heart rate. Finally she told me to go ahead and push when I wanted. I pushed you out in 7 minutes, and you were born 15 minutes after I walked in the door of the hospital, at exactly 5:45 a.m., on Tuesday, March 20, 2007.
They had to take you right away to suction your lungs and mouth. I could see that you had a full head of curly black hair. You looked so beautiful, and Aunt Emily agreed with me. You were 7 pounds and 14 ounces, and 20 inches long. I was wide awake and energetic after you were born, because giving birth to you was so fast and easy.
I remembered my dream of the horse, and having you was just like that. My moaning and crying out was just like having held on too tight to the horse. When I let go of the horse and got into the rhythm and flow of riding, it was the same as singing through my contractions. I had to accept the power of the moment and allow my body to do its work. You were a perfect little baby girl. My precious little angel.